5 Easy Meal Ideas to Impress Your Girl >>>>> (That Just Might Get You Laid)
5 Easy Meal Ideas to Impress Your Girl:
( AKA: 5 Meals Any Idiot Can Make):
So you’re not that into cooking — A.K.A. you could eat a hockey puck as long as there was Frank’s hot sauce on it — but you want to impress that special someone? Here are a few recipes even the most basic of chefs can cook without requiring much of your brain, and STILL get the wow factor from someone who knows even less about cooking than you do >>>>
It’s also worth noting that almost all of the dishes here are light on the stomach (or can be prepared to be), leaving you full but not immobile, setting you up for a “wow that was amazing” meal-to-sex transition. I also included an aphrodisiac you can throw into each meal. You know, for fun.
Meal 1: Literally Any Kind of Pasta
Girl’s love a man who can cook, but there’s one thing they love more: Telling their friends they have a man who can cook. Starting with something as simple as spaghetti, linguine or angel hair and throwing in a few more ingredients can give the perception that you’re the king of the kitchen, because although her tiny waist and slim stomach might not scream it, girls LOVE food. By mastering a simple pasta dish, you’re appealing not only to her life goals in a man, but her basic. human. instincts. This is where you must excel — or at least seem like it. Make something creative. You can find lots of great videos online (like the one above) that show you how to make a cute, yet simple dish in no time. Videos like this and anything on pinterest will make you a master chef in no time.
Pro tip: Sautee some chopped (chopped- not diced or sliced or canned) mushrooms, tomato and/or peppers to take your dish to the next level. Always use extra virgin olive oil so you can make a shitty pun about it. (I remember when I was an extra virgin)…
Aphrodisiac on the Side: Garlic and/or Basil
Meal 2: Something with Wine
These lamb sliders are fucking dope. I’d never had lamb before, so naturally my tastebuds and interests were aroused. Lots of people don’t eat lamb, not because it’s gross (it’s not, especially when ground and cooked like a burger), but simply because they’re not exposed to it as often as other foods (much like frog’s legs, kangaroo or horse), but there’s ways to make it taste great, and everyone loves a new experience. Just think of how turned on she’ll be at the thought of putting some new meat in her mouth 😉
More than anything, girls like a man who can cook because the idea of being wined and dined by a hunk who later rails them out across a flour-covered counter is one of the hottest things they ever saw on Sex and the City. Wine, however, is key, and the easiest way to not fuck up by picking wine she doesn’t like is to ask her to pick it up before she comes over. Be specific, however, when you ask her to buy either RED or WHITE wine. If you don’t she might show up with the wrong one, in which case there’ll be two negatives:
1. You look like an idiot because all women know what wines go with what meals
2. You’ll ignorantly choke down that white Zinfandel with your fillet and notice it tastes strikingly like cow turd…
Quick wine tip: Red wine for Red meat or grilled veggies, White wine for White meat (chicken & fish) look it up if you need reassurance. (Sangria is only for Cinco de mayo btw).
Aphrodisiac on the Side: Trick Question- Red wine is an aphrodisiac 😉
Meal 3: Try Some **Exotic** Seafood
CHUT UP and Check Out this video with tips from Chewbacca and try not to flip your shit at 1:40
The over-under on guys who can cook something “interesting” is something to be desired. When a girl says she likes seafood, tell her about the shrimp dish you had at that super high-end restaurant in Buenos Aires and have been dying to try to recreate with your Iron-Chef expertize.
Because shrimp is seafood, and when people think of seafood they think of lobster, oysters and other expensive/ more difficult to make dishes, it automatically gives you points as a worldly foodie and “expert” cook. Additionally, shrimp are a generally light meal which appeals to her and your tastebuds as well as your diet-conscious personal-judging-center of the brain. You’ll also be delightfully satisfied after the meal without being too full to go bang all over the kitchen/ apartment. Make sure you try this before you make it though, because you definitely don’t want to find out you hate shrimp/ have a severe seafood or curry allergy on the night of your big date…
Pro tip: Make sure you buy pre-cleaned shrimp or clean them yourself WAY BEFORE she arrives. Nothing says turn-off more than pulling poop out of the food you’re about to eat (it’s not poop it’s just shrimp intestines… no jk it’s poop). She’s not going to want your poopy hands & lips anywhere near her mouth or other fun areas…
Aphrodisiac on the Side: Oysters (if you think she’ll be into it) or just throw in some chili pepper/ Cardamom (a spice that’s allegedly a cure for whiskey dick: unconfirmed)
Meal 4: Something REALLY FUCKING CUTE
Like Cheeseburger Stuffed Mushrooms
You can basically take any meal you can think of that you love -pizza, burgers, tacos, chicken wings, etc- shove it into a mushroom and cover it with cheese. (remove the bones for chicken wings…) All the sudden, your dietary choices look better, meals are fun and easy to make, and your cute factor has skyrocketed. Worst comes to worst, she instagrams it (and she will), and all her friends see you, her and a shit ton of awesome looking food – if you don’t get laid that night, prepare for a flood of new suitors…
Aphrodisiac on the side: Avocado. You could literally just stuff mushrooms with avocado/guac, some spices, cheese and top it with a tomato and you’ve suddenly turned into a visionary nutritionist and vegan’s wet dream.
Meal 5: Some Lovely Post-Coital Brunch/ Well, maybe Dessert, but still…
Hold on to your cocoanuts, we’re about to crank up your breakfast game to THE NEXT FUCKING LEVEL. Just watch the video, and try not to drool…
If you dont think she’s the type of girl who wants a coronary for breakfast, stick to this coconut waffle recipe, which is pretty simple, fun, and gives you the option of finally doing some hard time on that kitchen floor covered in flour.
Pro Tip: a $10 waffle-maker from goodwill just might be worth its weight in gold.
Aphrodisiac on the Side: CHOCOLATE. Chocolate is a love potion – take a second to realize a few Valentine’s Day rituals that suddenly make sense… You can make tons of simple breakfast food and just throw in chocolate like it’s nobody’s business. Waffles, pancakes, fucking crepes, muffins, the list goes on and on. If you hand your lady friend a plate full of chocolate chip pancakes and she says she doesn’t like them, DROP THAT BITCH IMMEDIATELY, because she’s obviously a soulless whore.
Lastly, Here’s a Final “Dinner @ My Place” Pro Tip:
If you’ve landed that special lady you want to impress, but even after all I’ve taught you, you’re still not confident about your cooking abilities, HAVE HER COOK WITH YOU. Telling her to come over for dinner seems a little less interview-for-potential-wife (which can scare her off) if you cook the meal together. Find out what she likes to eat and say “No Way! I’m amazing at cooking that exact thing!” Immediately google it and find the list of ingredients, ask her to pick up/ bring a few of them with her when she comes and you’ll cook the meal together. This way, you’re not paying for everything (like a first/second date should be). Moreover, girls are 10x more likely to join you for dinner if
1.They know it’s going to be a fun activity that THEY’RE involved in, and
2.They know you’re cooking something they like.
The best part? Since you’re both cooking together, and of course this will mean HEAVY amounts of flirting and or dangerously hooking up near an open flame, you can playfully blame her for distracting you if the meal comes out shitty, and go order pizza.
And if all else fails, keep ice cream and a blender on-hand. Nothing say’s lets leave this shitty bar and go back to my place better than saying “Let’s leave this shitty bar and go make milkshakes at my place.” *Proceeds to bring all the girls to the yard*
Thanks for participating in Culinary Dark Arts 101. Hopefully you learned something here.
You’ve reached the end of this course.