How to Maintain Your Marketing Muscle Mass

Business
// March 22, 2016
marketing

How to Maintain Your Marketing Muscle Mass

Here’s why you need a blog on your website:

 ( 4 Minute Read )

Whether it’s short stories you write every day, a diary, news about a specific artist or your published Forbes articles, they need to be included somewhere on your website. Why give Forbes and newsweek all of those views? If you’re not already doing this you’re literally GIVING AWAY YOUR GAINS. You gotta build gains son, not squash them by deflating the arms of your scrawny business on supplemental websites…


 *Baby Voice* “But Rich, I don’t have creative content for my business, I just sell stuff–Wah”


SHUT THE **** UP BABY, we’re about to transform your sorry webpage into a powerhouse of turnt. Say you’re just a lonely guy selling G-strings. You have pink G-strings, Yellow G-Strings, and Clear G-Strings for the classy ladies. What’s interesting about them other than the way they look on someone tight? What does the color mean? What’s the story behind your company? Who are you and #YTF are you selling G-Strings? Better yet, who’s buying them? Do they have a story about them— where did they wear it? Why? You could have an amazing page full of stories about youmarketingr product, all you need is to automate an email (with something like Mailchimp) to every person who buys your product and ask them to write 150 words or more, and it will be more, about their experience in your panties. Many people, especially women (especially under an anonymous name on a submit page on your website) love to talk about their nights out. They love to brag if nothing else, and if you can make it seem like YOUR G-STRING is getting women laid, well you have a certified in-demand product, and maybe even a guarantee. How to Maintain Your Marketing Muscle Mass? Sell sex.

If you have an item on amazon or anywhere, you bet your sweet tookus you best be checking out your reviews. Reviews can be the most solid blog content out there. If you have a product, any product, who’s reviewing it? This is not only a great insight in terms of marketing research, but you know what your audience likes and doesn’t like, what you should change with the product, and you find out WHY people are buying your product. Most importantly, you find out WHOM is buying your two ounces of silk, electrical tape or whatever you make that stuff out of… Reviews can be all the content you need. Write back to people who write reviews, IN BLOG FORM — ON YOUR BLOG — ON THE BLOG PAGE OF YOUR WEBSITE. Maybe women don’t even wear them, but there’s a weird following of overweight drag queens who do. Don’t get mad because your marketing isn’t going the way you wanted it to, ROLL WITH IT. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Now you know who likes the product, tap into it. Ask them to recommend a friend, give them discounts or free stuff. Perhaps even ASK THEM TO WRITE SOMETHING.How to Maintain Your Marketing Muscle Mass? Make your customers do your work for you, for free.

Other than that you can write about the products themselves. Talk about your experiences that led you to build this company that sells G-Strings, and how each time you sell one it reminds you of the kindness of your weird great aunt Brazilda from Arkansas. Anything, it’s content, and original content like this is the best way to solidify and sell your brand. If your blog’s on your website, they’re just one click away from the store marketingpage, salivating over the arousing, hilarious, scary or interesting perspective (brand voice) on your blog. Plus, everyone wants to know YOU, no not the real you, but even though they don’t look for a blog with an attitude, when they find one, they stick to it. 1, because they’re not pussies, and 2, because when people find something relatable, they are magnetized to it and gravitate toward it time and time again. Why do you think CocaCola’s so successful? The company SELLS HAPPINESS. Who the fuck doesn’t want to be happy? Why is Vice the best startup to ever burst through the womb of New York? Because they had a product that broke the mold for creative content that they held together with a very specific tone, and showed in a specific, personable way that made it interesting. How to Maintain Your Marketing Muscle Mass? Don’t be like every other fucking brand. Be unique, and stop being such a poser.

I know what you’re thinking…


*slightly matured 6 year old voice*

“But Rich, I sell fruit, there’s no story there. I just sell fruit you piece of shit.” *sniffle*


Well guess what, WRONG AGAIN baby bitch!
Maybe it’s because I have a over a decade of experience building brands, but I can turn anything into a  sex joke  branded, marketable product. So you sell fruit, where’s the story there? Let’s make it harder. You only sell bananas. Regular bananas, not even some weird Somolian banana, that would be too niche, making it EASIER. You sell plain old bananas. Well, what now? BOOM, recipes. Recepies make A+ content because they are best told with pictures, marketingand in a nation of millennials and old people who only pay attention for a fraction of a second and barely read, recipes reign supreme. You could put your bananas on a dead bird and call it Ba-na-na ConFuego and there’d be some hipster on tumblr blogging about it and sharing your shit.

Show how your bananas look in oatmeal, on sandwiches, make weird photos of bananas with faces watching their son be put in a blender. This is called marketing. Make it funny, make it tasty, and build your brand through (not around) your content. If you can get people to check out your website and interact with you, they’re twice as likely to buy your product than someone who doesn’t. Stop making excuses and stop wasting time. Now check out our Linkedin Article so I can tell you how you’re going to excel at sharing your content everywhere, and spread it faster than chlamydia in Aunt Brazilda’s whorehouse. Make’er proud son.

This has been How to Maintain Your Marketing Muscle Mass 101.

You have reached the end of this course.

_R.D.

marketing

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