Your Guide to Sex at Work
So you’ve landed your dream job and you’re working your ass off to stand out and make a name for yourself. Well chances are that by now, you’ve also realized your dream job now occupies roughly 110% of your life. Those drunken escapades you used to go on every weekend have turned into 2 beers and in bed by 10:30. What have also dwindled are your love life and any opportunity to meet and mingle with those other fish in the sea. Well, don’t bother with the bar scene and skip the online meat market we all know as Tinder. Odds are good that you’re already surrounded by plenty of sexy and single women 5 days a week at your job. Whether it was Mad Men or Bill Clinton, someone inspired you to want to get some tail at work. Is it any coincidence that desks are the perfect high to be bent over? I doubt it, so I’m here to guide you through the minefield of banging your co-workers, and help you “divide – and – conquer” (giggity).
There are 3 types of women that you’re going to encounter at your job and you must understand the various pros and cons to each one before you embark of this noble quest.
Every mans fantasy, it all began with that smokin hot teacher in 5th grade, then that sexy student teacher in high school, then there’s always that college professor you openly made passes at in hopes that you’d score some extra curricular activity. I’m not sure if it’s the age, authority or a combination of both, but chances are you’ll have at least one boss you’ll want to have “regular morning meetings” with.
Aside from the obvious benefit of amazing sex, you’ll likely encounter situations where she’ll guide your career in the right direction. She’ll give you all the good assignments and you’re name will likely be known among those that matter. She probably (definitely) makes more money than you do and has a nicer apartment, so you’ll likely not be expected to provide her with much more than your brutish manliness. If she’s made it this far in her career chances are she’s confident, mature and mostly sane which means she won’t be Stage 5 Clinger status or texting you incessantly about drama and nonsense. There’s a slight (very slight) chance that if you get
Plain and simple, if you screw this up, she can and probably will fire your ass. So don’t be a fuckboy and flirt with the new intern right in front of her at the holiday party. If she doesn’t fire you, you’re probably going to wish that she had. Since you’re job is probably now going to include all those shitty assignments and bitch work. Since you probably don’t provide her with much more than sex, you’re easily replicable if she gets sick of you.
The fresh, uncorrupted and otherwise vulnerable new girl at the office. She’s either still in college or recently graduated and has an appetite for more than just work. If her sex drive is anything like her work ethic you’re in for quiet a treat. She hasn’t fully been indoctrinated into the real world environment and still has a little spunk and spontaneity. You might recognize her by her deer in the headlights look whiles she’s walking around looking for conference room 201 even though she walked 3 times already.
This won’t be a tough battle, since you are likely her first encounter with a man in the real world. She has previously only been exposed to the fuckboy and the unmotivated manchild. You are a new species of man and she will be all too curious to study you. Sleeping with an intern will also allow you to separate your sex life from the workplace gossip, as she is probably not yet included in many of the social circles. Since she’s a fresh mind, you’ll be able to reinvent yourself, since she wasn’t there to watch you make a drunken fool out of yourself at last years company BBQ. It’s like all those embarrassing moments never even happened. Another pro is that she’s going to be overly impressed with almost anything you do, even the most mundane and insignificant task. It’s okay to enjoy being fawned over for knowing which folder to check on the Share Drive. Lastly, her stint at the company is likely only 16 weeks long, so if things get messy, don’t worry she’ll be gone soon. Unless she lands a job, then you’re on your own.
Gossip. This girls has yet to turn off college mode and is likely still hitting the bars most nights to gossip with her friends and drama is sure to ensue. The last thing you need is your name being thrown around, especially once she starts making friends at work. She’s probably (not always) more insecure and clingy than the others. This means you might have to endure those annoying texts and accusations when you legitimately have to stay late and work on an assignment. Lastly, like most college ages females, she’s going to want to brag and gawk about her how amazing, sexy or handsome you are to anyone that will listen, this might not bode well for your workplace reputation or worse, your employment.
The Girl Next Door
This is that sexy co-worker at the desk right across from you. The smokeshow that’s “focusing on her career” right now (yeah we’ll see about that). You know each other well enough and have always made witty banter and worked together on projects from time to time. She’s at your level and has probably been at the company about as long as you have. You might recognize her by her of bitterness and her openness to grab a beer after work. For all intents and purposes, she’s the goldilocks of co-workers. Not too young that she’s overbearing and immature but still young enough to know how to have fun and go wild.
She’s accessible and laying the groundwork is pretty much done for you. You see each other on a daily basis so building that rapport is natural and she’ll be much more receptive to it. Chances are you already spend plenty of time working on assignments in and out of the office together, so adding a few “late nights” won’t seem suspicious to anyone. You’ll probably perform better at work, since you’ll be more confident and happy actually going to work. Lastly, you know her work ethic and have seen her in action, if she’s a fireball during those conference calls; she’s probably the same way during a booty call.
If you crash and burn, things are going to be more awkward than that time your mom walked in on you spankin’ it in high school, only it’ll happen every day you go to work. Second, eventually someone will catch on to your sexcapade. Whether it’s the fuck me eyes during a morning meeting, the ass grabbing during the holiday party, or getting caught groping in the elevator someone’s bound to find out. If there’s one-thing co-workers are good for it’s gossip, so keep your D on the DL because even if you two mutually hit and quit it, that reputation might stick with you and impact your career.
Everything in is about risk/reward, so analyze the playing field, identify the types of woman you inhabit your environment and choose your target. As Hugh Hefner once said: “There are many roads to mecca” choose yours wisely bros.